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Posts Tagged ‘effort’

This is take from an online article in Time magazine…..

 

Time.com

  • By EBEN HARRELL Eben Harrell 29 mins ago

A professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Robert Feldman has spent most of his career studying the role deception plays in human relationships. His most recent book, The Liar in Your Life: How Lies Work and What They Tell Us About Ourselves, lays out in stark terms just how prevalent lying has become. He talked to TIME about why we all need a dose of honesty.

What are the main findings of your research?
Not only do we lie frequently, but we lie without even thinking about it. People lie while they are getting acquainted at an average of three times in a 10-minute period. Participants in my studies actually are not aware that they are lying that much until they watch videos of their interactions.

One of the reasons people get away with so much lying, your research suggests, is that we are all essentially dupes. Why do we believe so many lies?
This is what I call the liar’s advantage. We are not very good at detecting deception in other people. When we are trying to detect honesty, we look at the wrong kinds of nonverbal behaviors and we misinterpret them. The problem is that there is no direct correlation between someone’s nonverbal behavior and their honesty. "Shiftiness" could also be the result of being nervous, angry, distracted or sad. Even trained interrogators [aren’t] able to detect deception at [high] rates. You might as well flip a coin to determine if someone is being honest.

What’s more, a lot of the time we don’t want to detect lies in other people. We are unwilling to put forward the cognitive effort to suspect the veracity of statements, and we aren’t motivated to question people when they tell us things we want to hear. When we ask someone, "How are you doing?" and they say "fine," we really don’t want to know what their aches and pains are. So we take "fine" at face value. (Read a TIME story on ground rules for telling lies)

Do you feel deception is a particularly relevant topic to our society?
We are living in a time and culture in which it’s easier to lie than it has been in the past. The message that pervades society is that it’s okay to lie; you can get away with it. One of the things I found in my research is that when you confront people with their lies they very rarely display remorse. Lying is not seen as being morally reprehensible in any strong way.

You can make the assumption that because it often makes social interactions go more smoothly, lying is okay. But there is a cost to even seemingly benign lies. If people are always telling you that you look terrific and you did a great job on that presentation, there’s no way to have an accurate understanding of yourself. Lies put a smudge on an interaction, and if it’s easy to lie to people in minor ways it becomes easier to lie in bigger ways.

You say in the book that recent DNA evidence suggests that 10% of people have fathers other than the men they believe conceived them. So is lying pretty widespread in our intimate lives, too?
Research shows we lie less to people that we are close to. But when we do, they tend to be the bigger types of lies. And the fallout is greater if the deception is discovered.

You show how lying is a social skill. Does that mean it’s part of an evolutionary legacy?
I don’t think lying is genetically programmed. We learn to lie. We teach our kids to be effective liars by modeling deceitful behavior.

In your book you offer a way to cut back on lies. What’s the "AHA! Remedy?"
AHA! stands for active honesty assessment. We need to be aware of the possibility that people are lying to us, and we need to demand honesty in other people. Otherwise we will get a canned affirmation. At the same time, we have to demand honesty of ourselves. We have to be the kind of people who don’t tell white lies. We don’t have to be cruel and totally blunt, but we have to convey information honestly. The paradox here is that if you are 100% honest and blunt, you will not be a popular person. Honesty is the best policy. But it’s not a perfect policy.

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I haven’t posted much as of late, it’s been kind of crazy for me, with TONS of stuff to do prior to July 1, but soon, very soon it should calm down for me. Launching a new company and product is very time consuming, but well worth it (I hope!). Setting up the web sites (www.staticplace.com) creating the marketing campaign and designing all the necessary documents, they all take time and effort. And with working a fulltime 9 to 5 type job, I don’t always have time to blog, nor time to do much of anything else.

But I always find “me” time, I always find time to relax and unwind. Yesterday was such a day for me, after work I went home and didn’t take my laptop out all night, I read, watched a little TV and didn’t even think about all the work I still have to do… But today, well most likely a little bit like yesterday. I am to the point were my mind needs to stop thinking about all that I have to do, and I need to rest it up, just a day or 2 and than back to the grind.

I still need to create samples of the program, and finish the websites and place ads in papers and find a sales person or 2 and and and… The list seems to keep adding to itself, seems like every time I think I am done, a new action item is added to the list, but that’s OK, because I know that in the long run it will all be worth the effort. So for today and the next few days I will work work work….

So I just wanted to catch you up a bit on what is going on with me, until next time, make sure you always have a little “ME” time in your week, it’s important to your health, both mentally and physically. I have written on that before, and maybe I will write a little more about it next time…

Paul

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This was sent to me from a friend in India, not sure who the original author is, he never stated it… But I thought I would share it…

Positive words.bmpI remember my dad teaching me the power of language  at a very young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success. 

One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn’t realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high.

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy’s mother also noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad’s voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.

I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy’s mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, "Tammy, don’t fall!" And Tammy did. fall.     

My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined.

Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly. This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or set a goal. You can’t visualize not doing something. The only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualize that.

For example, when I was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn’t get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don’t drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the ball.     

My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "self-talk." They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn’t. I’ll never make it pro, but I’m now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.           

Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe what they do.

Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You respond, "You weren’t paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.   

The point is made.         

If you tell your brain you will "give it a try," you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it or they won’t. Either they will be at the party or they won’t. I’m brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try.

Do they think I don’t know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for pretended effort? You will never hear the words "I’ll try" come out of my mouth unless I’m teaching this concept in a seminar. 

If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed. If I truly can’t make a decision I will tell the truth. "Sorry John. I’m not sure if I will be at your party or not. I’ve got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."             

People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary. My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.           

These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.

Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.         

So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself with toxic self-talk like, " I’m fat. Nobody will like me. I’ll try this diet. I’m not good enough. I’m so stupid. I’m broke, etc. etc."   

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words.   

Notice when you or other people use them. 

But: Negates any words that are stated before it.               

Try: Presupposes failure.     

If: Presupposes that you may not.   

Might: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.

Would Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn’t actually happen.

Should Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn’t actually happen (and implies guilt.)         

Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn’t actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.             

Can’t/Don’t: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.       

Examples:           

Toxic phrase: "Don’t drop the ball!"   

Likely result: Drops the ball     

Better language: "Catch the ball!"   

Toxic phrase: "You shouldn’t watch so much television."             

Likely result: Watches more television.   

Better language: "I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!"   

Exercise: Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis or any Toxic self-talk that you have noticed yourself

using. Write these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change them.

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The last 2 days here in Michigan have been mild; the temps have been in the 40’s and today a light rain in falling. Spring is on its way! Yesterday I went outside just to look around, it has been so long since I have seen my grass and plants, I just wanted to look.  Mostly I noticed that everything is dead, that winter has taken a toll on my lawn and plants, I’m not concerned because I know that they will “spring” back to life soon. I love spring time, with all the new growth and the smells that return with the changing of the season.

As I looked around and was imagining what I might do this year in the gardens I notice that one of my trees’s, a Japanese Maple, was budding. There on each branch where tiny little buds, little pods of life waiting to break free, to feel life for the first time, to soak in the warmth of the sun and sway in the breeze, to experience life as a new.

In a way I am very jealous of that bud, it is changing in to a beautiful creation, transforming in to a wonder before my very eyes, and all it is doing is what it is made to do. No effort is put forth beyond what it is created for. This bud attends no classes on how to be a better bud, or how to make the most of your buddness. Nope, this bud is just doing what it was created for, it is becoming a leaf.

How wonderful of it, how simplistic of it and how grand. This tiny bud is becoming what it meant to become. No self-help books were read no seminars attended, it just is. This bud knows what it will be, and where it will go without being counseled or couched. No amount of positive talk will make it better than it already is and no TV doctor can create a new and better bud that this one. In its simplicity it is perfect and in its buddness it is perfection. I am truly jealous!

Humanity has placed upon itself conditions that create imperfection of the perfect creation. We are created in our maker’s likeness, we are created out of love, yet we find no perfection in our humanness and we find no love in our loveless. Unlike the bud that knows only how to be a bud, we, in our humanness, know nothing about how to be us. We seek others to help define what is already defined, we read and research ways to become, yet the bud just becomes, we try and fail, yet with the bud there is no trying and failing only doing and succeeding.

The complexity of life that we choose to live in has created a loneliness of soul, a loneliness that causes us to search for other us’s, us’s that already know, others that have become. Yet with all the searching we do we never seem to find the us that is truly us. We look to others for help, we cry out to the world, yet no one seems to hear. We cry out to be like that bud, yet we cannot be, for we are us.

I envy that bud, so simple yet so complex. The change it needs to perform is natural and automatic, it has not past to hold it back, it only has a future to draw it out. The bud knows no limits to its change; it will become a leaf regardless of what it may want. The bud of that tree will fulfill its destiny, it will become a leaf.

Humanity is of a fallen nature, we have sinned, and the sin of time holds us back, stunts our growth and creates chaos in an ordered world. We are not like that bud, whose plans must be followed, we are a creation of thought and action, we are a creation of love and hate, we are a creation created for struggles and strife. Yet each day we strive to create a new us, a new world, one in which we can shine and achieve the usness we were created for.

No, I pity that bud in its budness, it cannot think, nor can it choose, it is a bud, simple as that. No I do not wish I was like that bud, I am glad I am me, in all my humanness and chaos I am complete.

The searching for betterment of us is in the perfect plan of the loveness that created the imperfection of us.

 

Paul

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