Posts Tagged ‘freewill’

My frustration levels are at an all time high, I feel the effects of no control and am ready to scream… This about sums up my current mood, if I twittered I would have posted it, and most likely received responses from friends and people I don’t know offering me words of wisdom I don’t want. But as it is I do blog, and so I will post my frustrations here, but unlike twitter I can express myself with a few more words, I will not be limited, my power to say as much or as little as I like is not taken away from me on my blog.

This over all feeling stems from the fact that power, my ability to make my own choice has been taken away from me. I am being forced to do something that I do not wish to do.

I think as humans we cherish our freewill, we consider it to be one of the most important aspects of our lives. I know I do… The ability to make up my own mind, to chose what I want or don’t want is, to me, the most important freedom I enjoy. All other freedoms stem from this one. Freewill is the mother of all others…

If I do not have the freedom of Freewill, than I could not choose to believe or not believe in God, with out freewill I could not choose to remain faithful or not, nor would I have the freedom to decide what kind of life I choose to live.

When we perceive our freewill is under attack we react, we fight back, if we can. The current problem is I have no ability to fight back, I have no freedom from this decision, and that weighs heavy on me.

The idea that I can not control the situation, the fact that I am being made to feel helpless is a very taxing idea, real or not, it is all the same. Since freewill is not a tangible object, not something that Wal-Mart sell, we are left with only or “feelings” and “perceptions” of what freewill is or does. To me, it is the essence of all other freedoms, it is the greatest of gifts from God and it is the very being of our humanhood. To have this freedom striped away from me, to have my ability to exercise it or not trampled on is a travesty.

In our current society we see this happen all the time and we see the effects of it in our everyday life. For me it is the fact that as part of my bankruptcy I must turn in my current vehicle and purchase a new vehicle with very limited funds (like I said I am in bankruptcy). The fact that the courts do not seem to care, that they seem to make it almost easer to just walk away is in it self a shame, but that’s another blog. The simple fact that I am being forced in to a situation that does not serve me and my interest the best, the simple fact that they have taken away my ability to use my freewill is dehumanizing. And before any of you start saying, “Well what did you expect, your in bankruptcy, it was your own bad choices that got you there in the first place”, all I can say is Yes I know, and You have no idea why I am in my current situation… My complainant is not about bankruptcy, but rather about the dehumanization of the process.


I my case I have to get rid of the current vehicle, it’s lease runs out in September, but the courts want me to return it now, fair enough. To be able to continue to work I need a dependable car, so I looked in to a  Kia, and inexpensive vehicle with a warranty. With the credit market tight, and the fact that I am in bankruptcy the payment would have been over $400 per mount, about what I am paying for my current lease. I asked for a used car, or the cheapest payment, but the condition of the bank would not allow it. I looked at a Ford dealership, won’t even consider me. So my options are limited.

So in-order to make the payments on the new vehicle my payments to the courts has to go down, logical I would say. Well the courts don’t seem to think so, in fact they won’t even allow me to skip a payment to have the down payment needed to get the new vehicle I need to get to work.

My lawyer than recommends that I just turn in the current, skip this payment and purchase a used vehicle with the whole $2000.00 I have. Here is the problem:

1. Not many reliable vehicles for that kind of money

2. By skipping my payment the courts can decide to toss out my case, leaving me holding the bag

3. I have a total breakdown due to the fact the our court system is (insert bad word here) up!


So, and I started off this blog, I and extremely frustrated, and ready to blow! I woke up at 3am this morning and was wide awake until 4, dozed in and out until 5:30 when my alarm went off… My 3am wake up call was a good time for me to practice my deep breathing skills and to say a few prayers to a select few saints… It will all work out, of this I am certain, like I have sated in this blog, we must have a positive attitude for a positive end result.




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My mind is in a fog today, it seems to be wrapped up in a thick blanket of fog, and the more I struggle to get out of it, the thicker it gets. It was that way yesterday also, everyone keeps telling me it’s the weather, and it may be. But whatever it is, it needs to go away.  I hate this feeling, the feeling of being lost in your own home. It drives me crazy!

Being lost is one thing, but being lost in your own home that is a scary feeling. When I was younger, and I mean years ago when I was like 7 years old one of the scariest dreams I would have involved this feeling of lost in your own home. The dream was always the same, I would be away from home, where ever it didn’t matter but when I returned home, no one was there, they all moved out. Nothing was left, the house was empty. I was lost in my own home… I use to wake up with the shakes and a scream chocking in my throat.  I hated that feeling; it was a lonely scary feeling, one that left me with no control.

It’s a funny thing, how our childhood can still make an impact on us years later. And in the case of my dream, it had no footing in reality, it’s not like my parents ever did that to me, or even threatened it. The dream and feeling where just part of whom I am, I need a home, a place to call mine, something I can control, or at least feel like I can. As a young boy I must have had a great fear of losing control, of having nothing to call home. In some ways I think it speaks to my deep love and need for family, but it is also much deeper than that, it also speaks to my feeling of needing to belong. It is a fear that I think most, if not all, youth feel. And we take that feeling with us in to adult life.

It is in the adult life that we learn to hide or mask that feeling, to place a fog over it. And I hate fog; it is a dark and dank feeling. It is covered in mystery and the unknown. When we are living in the fog, we are living in a state of unknown, a state of un-control (I know it’s not a word, but I like it).

As adults, or even as youth, we learn to replace our fears with other, seemingly more pleasant activities. We learn to smoke to fit in, to have that feeling of home. We take drugs in an attempt to remove the fog or we drink and have sex with the hopes of finding a home.

Me, my replacement is smoking, and in my mind I know that it is nothing but bad, but somewhere inside of me is that little boy with no home, everyone moved out, leaving me to fight the world all alone. So I smoke, to fill in the void, to help lift the fog, to give me control over my life. It’s silly, and it’s bad for me, this I know, but I also know it’s something that I have control over, it’s all mine!

Funny how that works, from a fear I choose to harm myself. How much better it would be if we chose to eat healthy, in an attempt to gain control or attend Church more often or to pray more give more, do more and be more. But we don’t, we choose to harm ourselves to add a new layer of fog, to thicken it up by our own freewill.

It is in moments as this, which I truly believe that I can be new; I just need to work harder, believe in myself more and rely on Gods graces more.

It is in moments like this that I wish I could turn back the clock, return to that 7 year old me, not to stop the bad dream, but to be there to hold him, and protect him, to tell him all is ok, that you have a home. It is in moments like this that I feel small and so young. It is moments like this that I miss my mom, and her hugs. I miss the feeling of coming home, of being home and knowing I have a safe home.

It is a sad feeling, this fog is a fog of deception, one that creates a fails you, creates in you a feeling of hopelessness. But like all fogs it will burn off and the sun will shine thru once again.

I know this to be true, because I have faith in God, and I know his plan for me is not one of sorrow or fear but rather one of joy and security.


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To each of us one day can be a thousand different things. Each gust of wind can move us in different and new directions; each flower we see will touch us in differently.  The world offers us different experiences, many ways to see the same thing, and many ways to live our life out.


A day of sunshine for me can be a day of rain for you, even thought we are in the same place, living the same weather. I am, of course, speaking metaphorically about the rain and sunshine, but not about how each of us experiences the same reality thousands of different ways.


We all have the ability to process information, we all have the ability to them use the information to help us determine our outlook on life, and how we react to or do not react to any one give situation. It’s our makeup how we are programmed or hard wired, what ever you want to call it, it is us.


Me, I see things mostly in a positive light, yes I know and understand that bad things happen, that at time life is crap, and yes I too can feel that way, and yes sometimes my outlook is not so positive, but I always try to put a spin on it, to make light of it, to have a laugh at my own expense about it.


Others see life only in darkness, no light shines through. They see no happiness in the world. I am sure that they too have days of light, just like I have days of darkness, but unlike me, they do not make light of it, or laugh at themselves, but rather they make it heavy, and fill it with dark matter and create a reality for themselves that fits their need.


We all do this, in one way on another, we all create the reality we need or want. We create a reality that fulfills our outlook, our destiny. We all have hear it said that we create our own destiny, and I believe this, I truly believe that God allows us to create our own destiny, and in doing so, we can create it how we see fit.


So I see it as sunshine, and others as rain, and some see it as partly cloudy, what every your weather pattern is, is what you choose it to be.


We all long for those sunny days in the summer, days we can spend outside with family and friends. We all need a little sun light in our days, to perk up our moods, to make us feel better about ourselves. We all need them, the sun gives us life. If this is true, then we also need to have the same outlook on how we view life, how we live our life out. We need to create sunshine where there is none.


The soft gentle wind of change will blow over you if you see life as sunny, the warm rays of love will softly caress you and the sounds of summer will fill your heart.


Your outlook is your destiny, see is bright and sunny or see it dark and gloomy; either way that is what you will get.


The Beatles said it best in the song “The End” :


“In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make”


We get back what we give, or in other words, we get back what we project out. If we see things as dark and gloomy that is what we will get in return, if we see them as sunny and warm, that too is what we will get back in return.


Life is ours to live, so live it fully, fill your days with sunshine and warmth, and in time you will get it in return.



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“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”

– George Bernard Shaw









WOW what a quote! We live in a work where blame is always on someone or something else. We live with the phrase “I would have but…” “I only he/she would have…” “If only my parents….” Always on the tips of our lips, ready to fire one off, to place the blame our lack of success on someone or something else. It’s easy to do and it takes the responsibility off of us.


I do believe Mr. Shaw understood this; he saw this and most likely experienced this in himself and others. But he also understood the short sightedness of this, saw the flawed thinking in this, and decide to try and correct this, in him self and others.


We all have circumstances, some good and some bad, and some that are just down right evil, but we all also have free will, the ability to accept or reject what is given to us, what is offered and yes, even what is forced upon us. We can choose to reject it, choose to turn it in to a circumstance we want, or just decide to leave it be, let it rot on its own and find what we are looking for, or to create it.


Life is yours, you control it, it’s your free will, your freedom, and you live in and create the circumstances you want. Or, with your free will you decide to stay where you are, to live in the circumstance that you do not desire one that you did not create or choose, you choose to give your freedom over to someone else.


Yes I know that as a child we have no real choice and that to some extent our circumstance is not ours to choose, but rather it is forced or given to us. But we still choose how we will process it, how we will deal with it when we get older. Will we allow it to control us when we are 20, will it still control us when we are 50? That is the question; do we decide to let it rot on its own when we are in our 20’s or do we allow it to control us still when we are in our 50’s?


Now you are probably saying, it was a deep rooted scar, its hard to just leave it, I have to deal with it. And to that I would say, stop and look back, look behind you and see your lifer to this point, has it served you? Has it made you a better person? Has it helped you maintain a positive healthy life? I would venture to guess that if you are honest with yourself you would have to say no, it has not. In-fact I would have to say that most likely it has held you down, created problems and havoc in your life, so why keep it, why allow it to control you, why give it your free will, your freedom?


Take it back, release it, allow it to rot on its own, and find the circumstance you need, or create your own. Allow you freedom to serve you, allow your free will to lift you up, not bring you down.



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Authentic freedom does not meant doing what you want when you want to whom you want, but rather it means, understand who you are, and that you are not alone here.


All too often we think of freedom as a free for all. But freedom does not mean that, in any way shape or form.


With freedom comes great responsibility.  You now have the weight of the world on your shoulders; your life is not yours, when you are truly free. Sounds like a contradiction in terms, but really it’s not.


It is a paradox, one that will make you think, but not a contradiction. The more freedom we have, the more we are called to respond.


Our freedom is directly connected to our freewill. We gain freedom, by exercising our freewill in a positive and productive way. We make choices in our daily lives, choices that affect our ability to live a free life.


When we choose to go counter to the common good, we choose slavery, slavery to the consequences of our choice. When we choose not to listen to our conscience we choose to listen to the voice of evil, when we do that, we have just entered in to a slave/master relationship. With us being the slave.


Freedom allows us to make choices that benefit us and more importantly the world around us. Freedom demands of us, or rather obligates us to concern ourselves with the affairs of the world around us.


If you look at the world around you, countries where freedom is lacking, the over all population is less concerned with their fellow man, then in a freer society. The same can be said of individuals, the more freedom we and individuals have, and the more responsible we act to other, on the whole.


Freedom calls us to a radical obligation, a deep concern and a greater empathy to others. Freedom does not and can not survive if, we use our freedom for self gain, freedom is not an individual action or concern, but rather it’s a community, and global concern.


You can not change with out affecting others around you, and the world can not be a freer place, with out you changing with it.


We are community, we are all called to change, to a greater good, we are all created to be free and to exercise you freewill. But we must hear the call load and true, that freedom is not just about you, freedom is about all.



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