Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘home’

Spring is on its way, it will be here sooner that we think, and that means we will also be getting our gardens ready. Cleaning them out, making room for the new plants and layouts we want to do. Anyone who knows me knows I love to redecorate to rethink my home and gardens. I am forever redoing my gardens, moving and adding things, coming up with new ways to make the outside of my home to look inviting to all. I do the same on the inside; I love to move things around, find new uses for existing items. If I could I would redo my house every 3 years or so, but it takes money, so I settle for just a simple reuse formula.

I am the same with my holiday decorations, every 3 years or so I give everything away and get all new, I don’t like to have the same stuff up year after year. It’s a habit of mine that drives my family and friends nuts. Most people will keep the same decorations from year to year. They go in the exact same spot, year after year. To me it’s silly; it’s a new year, things change. We would not wear the same outfit day after day, so why should we expect our home to.

The same can be said for ourselves, why would we want to be that same person year after year? We need to grow, to expand who we are. Now please read the next line very slowly and carefully:

This does not mean that we change ourselves with whatever the lattes fashion is, we do not sell our morals or ethics off to be in the “In Crowed”. Do stretch yourself, learn more and grow in your faith and your core values.

We are more often willing to do the hard work for others, but not for ourselves. We are more than willing to help our friends tear down walls and build new spaces than we are willing to tear down our own walls. We are willing to do the hard work for others but not for ourselves.

We need to first help ourselves grow before we help others, we must look at our own self and determine what needs to be redone and what can remain. We need to learn to rethink ourselves and to learn to do the hard work that follows.

Like working in our gardens in the spring time, lots of work, lots of junk to toss out, the same can be said for ourselves. But at the end, when all is in bloom, we know the effort was well worth it, and that we have created a welcoming environment for all.

Paul

Read Full Post »

My mind is in a fog today, it seems to be wrapped up in a thick blanket of fog, and the more I struggle to get out of it, the thicker it gets. It was that way yesterday also, everyone keeps telling me it’s the weather, and it may be. But whatever it is, it needs to go away.  I hate this feeling, the feeling of being lost in your own home. It drives me crazy!

Being lost is one thing, but being lost in your own home that is a scary feeling. When I was younger, and I mean years ago when I was like 7 years old one of the scariest dreams I would have involved this feeling of lost in your own home. The dream was always the same, I would be away from home, where ever it didn’t matter but when I returned home, no one was there, they all moved out. Nothing was left, the house was empty. I was lost in my own home… I use to wake up with the shakes and a scream chocking in my throat.  I hated that feeling; it was a lonely scary feeling, one that left me with no control.

It’s a funny thing, how our childhood can still make an impact on us years later. And in the case of my dream, it had no footing in reality, it’s not like my parents ever did that to me, or even threatened it. The dream and feeling where just part of whom I am, I need a home, a place to call mine, something I can control, or at least feel like I can. As a young boy I must have had a great fear of losing control, of having nothing to call home. In some ways I think it speaks to my deep love and need for family, but it is also much deeper than that, it also speaks to my feeling of needing to belong. It is a fear that I think most, if not all, youth feel. And we take that feeling with us in to adult life.

It is in the adult life that we learn to hide or mask that feeling, to place a fog over it. And I hate fog; it is a dark and dank feeling. It is covered in mystery and the unknown. When we are living in the fog, we are living in a state of unknown, a state of un-control (I know it’s not a word, but I like it).

As adults, or even as youth, we learn to replace our fears with other, seemingly more pleasant activities. We learn to smoke to fit in, to have that feeling of home. We take drugs in an attempt to remove the fog or we drink and have sex with the hopes of finding a home.

Me, my replacement is smoking, and in my mind I know that it is nothing but bad, but somewhere inside of me is that little boy with no home, everyone moved out, leaving me to fight the world all alone. So I smoke, to fill in the void, to help lift the fog, to give me control over my life. It’s silly, and it’s bad for me, this I know, but I also know it’s something that I have control over, it’s all mine!

Funny how that works, from a fear I choose to harm myself. How much better it would be if we chose to eat healthy, in an attempt to gain control or attend Church more often or to pray more give more, do more and be more. But we don’t, we choose to harm ourselves to add a new layer of fog, to thicken it up by our own freewill.

It is in moments as this, which I truly believe that I can be new; I just need to work harder, believe in myself more and rely on Gods graces more.

It is in moments like this that I wish I could turn back the clock, return to that 7 year old me, not to stop the bad dream, but to be there to hold him, and protect him, to tell him all is ok, that you have a home. It is in moments like this that I feel small and so young. It is moments like this that I miss my mom, and her hugs. I miss the feeling of coming home, of being home and knowing I have a safe home.

It is a sad feeling, this fog is a fog of deception, one that creates a fails you, creates in you a feeling of hopelessness. But like all fogs it will burn off and the sun will shine thru once again.

I know this to be true, because I have faith in God, and I know his plan for me is not one of sorrow or fear but rather one of joy and security.

Paul

Read Full Post »

Home

This is not my home, but I like it!

 

I’m home! Yes I love vacations, I love spending time with family and friends. And I did just that, but as much as I love to travel, I love coming home even more.

Maybe that’s why I love to travel; maybe I love it so much because I love coming home even more. Home is where comfort is, home is where I can relax, and just be, home just is. We all know when we enter home, we walk in and we feel it. We just know that we are home.

 

 

 

Well that’s how I feel, that’s how I know I am home, I can just feel it, my body relaxes my mind rest and my heart is happy.

 

Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy vacations, because I do, I love to travel and to be on vacation. Yes my mind relaxes, my heart is happy and I can just be. But its different, it’s not bad, just different.

 

 When my mom was still alive, and I need to feel safe I would go to her house, where ever it was, and I was home, I was safe. It didn’t matter where she lived the location was not home, but rather the feeling was.

 

It’s the same now, yes I love the house I have, I have decorated the way I like, and all my “stuff” is in it, but that’s not home, home is a feeling I get when I enter through the door. It’s the sigh my body gives; it’s the sights and smells, the memories and the flow. Home is more then brick and wood with windows and doors; home is a state of being.

 

My vacation was fun; I spent time with family and friends and was at home in Michigan. As I stated in previous blog, Michigan is my home, and yes I feel safe and secure here, and yes I love her, but Michigan is also home to many others, but my house, my home is just mine, its safe for me, and its mine.

 

Paul

Read Full Post »