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Posts Tagged ‘looking in side’

As a fellow human who is trying to make my own life better, along with trying to help others through this blog, I sometimes forget that I to need improvement. It’s like a doctor forgetting to get their own check up, I know that I need to work on myself, but sometimes the idea of helping others gets in the way.

The last few months have been such a time, I have been looking outside of myself, and forgetting to look inside. And now it is causing issues for me.

As many of you know I am a youth minister, and also part owner in a company, STATIC Solutions, LLC (www.staticplace.com). My partner and I also work together at the local parish were she is the Director of religious Education. Our friendship is about 4 years old, and as of late it has been hitting some bumpy ground. I think the stress of the job climate here in Michigan along with some personal family stress has added to my lack of wanting to deal with issues. Now I have a natural tendency to not to want to deal with “Adult Issues”, I seem to look at adults and think “You should know better” or “Grow up and deal with it”. I have a hard time with issues or self esteem or lack of it. I have no time to try to understand issues that I feel should have been dealt with long ago. The funny thing is, that I do have “Adult Issues” and yes I do tell myself “I should know better” and yes my “self esteem” sometimes is lacking.

At this time in my life, as I try to keep my job, provide for the young man that was placed in my charge, worry about the welfare of my sister and brother, who both are out of a job and now add to the list dealing with the death on my nephew, the last thing I want to add to my plate is what I would consider “Adult Issues”.

Knowing all that, and knowing myself, I know that it is at this time that I must look inward and find the courage to face the issues head on.  Sometimes it is hard to do that, sometimes I just want to chuck it all in and say that it’s not worth the effort. And in truth sometimes it’s not.  But I will never know unless I try, that’s the hard part.

It’s hard to put effort in to something that your really not sure will last, or is really good for you. Over the last few months I have been feeling like my roll has changed in to one that is one of moment to moment.  My role is always in flux, one moment I am being asked to give my opinion, in the next I am told to stop trying to fix me. I go from being seen as a good friend to being seen as the enemy, in a matter of seconds. From moment to moment I am told one thing than the next. From I can do this too I can’t from I want too, to I don’t want to.  From you know me so well, too stop reading my mind.

Now please do not miss understand me, we have had many good times as friends, and I do consider her a friend, but… I don’t know, but sometimes it seems my friendship is conditional, that I must always be what is needed in the moment at all times or I am not a good friend. Now I do understand that she has some very legitimate issues, and yes I am very proud of her, and all the battles she has won over the past 4 years of our friendship. But in truth they are her battles, not mine, and sometimes it seems that I must take them on, that I must battle them for her, or worst yet, sometimes I become the battle front for her. It is not a fair place to put me, I cannot win the battle, nor can I replace the fallen worriers caused by the battle.

Now back to what I started to say, I know that this is an issue that I need to learn to deal with, I need to learn to be more understanding and learn to accept that “adult issues” are real and yes we all have them. But I also need to remember that they are my issues, no one else’s.

Friendships take work, but they also take understanding. Sometimes friendships need to end, and other times they need to continue on. Like life, friendships are born, grow and die and like life each friendship has a purpose. The key is to know what stage your friendship is in and then allowing it to take its natural course.

That is where I am currently at with this friendship, trying to figure out what stage of life is it in, is it on its death bed, or just going through a growth spurt. I am not sure, I need to look deep within and listen to my heart, but first I need to deal with my own “adult issue” and get a clear understanding of where I am at and where I want to be. The road I walk will not be easy, but it is one that I must walk. It is my time to create the new me, it is a process that is always there, but for a little bit I have to bring it to the forefront of my mind.

The sudden death of my 23 year old nephew has affected me in ways I never thought it would, it has awakened in me a renewed spirit of life, and an understanding of how one should live life.

It is time for me to take stock in my life, to catalog it and clean it out, last year I started the process of simplifying my life by cleaning out my house, this process is still going on, but now I feel I must do the same with my soul. It is time to clean it out to open the windows and let the fresh air in.  It is time for me to look at all aspects of my life, and determine what I need in it. It is time to renew family and make the effort to heal old wounds.

I have lots to do, and most of it can only be done by me, but that is what the process is all about, itsa about me fixing me.

Paul

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