Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘skill’

This is take from an online article in Time magazine…..

 

Time.com

  • By EBEN HARRELL Eben Harrell 29 mins ago

A professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Robert Feldman has spent most of his career studying the role deception plays in human relationships. His most recent book, The Liar in Your Life: How Lies Work and What They Tell Us About Ourselves, lays out in stark terms just how prevalent lying has become. He talked to TIME about why we all need a dose of honesty.

What are the main findings of your research?
Not only do we lie frequently, but we lie without even thinking about it. People lie while they are getting acquainted at an average of three times in a 10-minute period. Participants in my studies actually are not aware that they are lying that much until they watch videos of their interactions.

One of the reasons people get away with so much lying, your research suggests, is that we are all essentially dupes. Why do we believe so many lies?
This is what I call the liar’s advantage. We are not very good at detecting deception in other people. When we are trying to detect honesty, we look at the wrong kinds of nonverbal behaviors and we misinterpret them. The problem is that there is no direct correlation between someone’s nonverbal behavior and their honesty. "Shiftiness" could also be the result of being nervous, angry, distracted or sad. Even trained interrogators [aren’t] able to detect deception at [high] rates. You might as well flip a coin to determine if someone is being honest.

What’s more, a lot of the time we don’t want to detect lies in other people. We are unwilling to put forward the cognitive effort to suspect the veracity of statements, and we aren’t motivated to question people when they tell us things we want to hear. When we ask someone, "How are you doing?" and they say "fine," we really don’t want to know what their aches and pains are. So we take "fine" at face value. (Read a TIME story on ground rules for telling lies)

Do you feel deception is a particularly relevant topic to our society?
We are living in a time and culture in which it’s easier to lie than it has been in the past. The message that pervades society is that it’s okay to lie; you can get away with it. One of the things I found in my research is that when you confront people with their lies they very rarely display remorse. Lying is not seen as being morally reprehensible in any strong way.

You can make the assumption that because it often makes social interactions go more smoothly, lying is okay. But there is a cost to even seemingly benign lies. If people are always telling you that you look terrific and you did a great job on that presentation, there’s no way to have an accurate understanding of yourself. Lies put a smudge on an interaction, and if it’s easy to lie to people in minor ways it becomes easier to lie in bigger ways.

You say in the book that recent DNA evidence suggests that 10% of people have fathers other than the men they believe conceived them. So is lying pretty widespread in our intimate lives, too?
Research shows we lie less to people that we are close to. But when we do, they tend to be the bigger types of lies. And the fallout is greater if the deception is discovered.

You show how lying is a social skill. Does that mean it’s part of an evolutionary legacy?
I don’t think lying is genetically programmed. We learn to lie. We teach our kids to be effective liars by modeling deceitful behavior.

In your book you offer a way to cut back on lies. What’s the "AHA! Remedy?"
AHA! stands for active honesty assessment. We need to be aware of the possibility that people are lying to us, and we need to demand honesty in other people. Otherwise we will get a canned affirmation. At the same time, we have to demand honesty of ourselves. We have to be the kind of people who don’t tell white lies. We don’t have to be cruel and totally blunt, but we have to convey information honestly. The paradox here is that if you are 100% honest and blunt, you will not be a popular person. Honesty is the best policy. But it’s not a perfect policy.

(more…)

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Working off of yesterdays blog about how we treat boys in this nation, I thought I would dive in to the problem a little more.

If we look at the boys being raised, how we as a society send such a mixed message to them, how parents want to raise soft and tender boy, boys with a heart. We want to raise boys as if they are not boys, we want to remove the boyness from boys.

The whole “pop” psychology thing of being in touch with your feelings and the how does that make you feel questioning of boys has, effectively, removed boyhood from boys. We have created a whole generation of boys that truly do not know how to be boys. Look around you, look at what our so called boys are doing.

One of the true signs that we have ventured to far off course is the simple fact The Pocket Dangerous Book for Boys: Things to Do By Conn Iggulden, Hal Igguldenthat we even have to talk about how boys should act. Look in the book stores, there are tons of books for parents on how to raise your boys and there is even a book for boys on how to be a boy…. Come on! Now I am not the most athletic person, truth be told, I really only like Baseball, and that passion only runs so deep in me. I sucked at playing sports as a boy, but, and I repeat, but no one had to tell me how to act as a boy, I was able to figure that all out on my own, thank you very much! Now some will say that i did not do a very good job at it, that my adventure as a boy lacked in some areas, and that would most likely be true. But I stand by the fact that I did not need a book nor did my parents need a book to tell me how to act as a boy, it was instinctive to me, my parents did not try to raise me any other way, they did not try to make me sensitive (I was by nature) nor did they try to make me sporty, they let me grow up who I was and treaded me as a boy.

What’s that mean, treaded me as a boy…

I was encouraged to play out side, to get messy to climb trees to make forts to play cops and robbers to use my imagination to create exciting new worlds for me to explore, to get holes in my jeans and to do all the other things that boys do. Being a boy  is an adventure in misadventures, it’s being allowed to fall and being told to get back up again and do it all over, and if you fall again, well that’s life. It being allowed to make mistakes and to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, to learn from experience that you just don’t say that to little girls.

Creating new worlds with only a stick from the big oak tree in your back yard and your imagination, that is boyhood at it’s best, play dates and structured time (or at least to much of it) is in opposition to boyhood, it removes the opportunity for spontaneity of a boy, creating a programmable boy and not a living boy.

What have we done to our boys? How did we get to this point? All in the name of woman’s liberation, in our efforts to create equality we have dummied  downed our boys, stripped them of boyness to create a non-gender rather than celebrating the two unique genders we have.

We need to get back to the basics, boys are boys and girls are girls, that’s all there is to it. We are different, one is not better than the other, just different from each other. Now here is were I will get in trouble, but such is life. There are something’s that boys do better than girls and girls do better than boys. There are some actions that are all boy and some that are all girl. That’s just the way it is, sorry but we are not the same, we are equal in the fact that we are humans, that we are created by God, but our equality does not translate in to sameness, we are not the same, we are two different creations with two very different and distinct callings and skill sets. It’s just nature, a fact of life, try as we may (and have over that last 40 years) we cannot make boys in to girls, nor girls in to boy. We are separate genders and we can not make a new non-gender to fit our own selfish needs.

It’s time we accept the fact that boys are boys and girls are girls…

Paul

Read Full Post »

At this time it is more important than ever that people try to improve there skill sets. With more and more people out of jobs and less and less jobs available the difference between you and the other person could be as little as whom has taken more steps to improve there skill sets.

So what are skill sets, basically they are the little classes you take on Microsoft word, or how to navigate the web or even the soft skills like communication classes or seminars. These are the skill sets I am referring to, the soft skills, the personal development skill sets.

We can always learn something new, and we should always be in the process of learning. But in today’s job market it is imperative that we do so, we must have the upper hand on the others looking for that job. What makes us different than the other could be a simple as one online course. And yes there  are tons of free ones out there. Or it could be a seminar you attend, and yes there are free ones out there. But keep in mind you will need proof, so keep the event flyer and take good notes or even record it if you are allowed to. But even if no proof of attendance is offered list it and use it.

Look in your local papers, see what community groups or churches are offering, attend as many as you can and sigh up for the mailing list. In today’s market place many local groups are offering free interviewing classes or seminars on job hunting. Take them all, load up on the training and keep your mind active.

And if you are a training, and have a class that would be beneficial to others, consider offering it for free or low cost at your local church or community group, in this economically hard times, we all need to give a little.

I am offering my services, free of charge, to help others out, both here on my blog, but also live and in person. Why don’t you join me. What, you may ask, can you offer?

You say your not a public speaker, you have no useful talent to offer, hogwash I say!

We all have something to offer, maybe your good on the computer and can type fast, offer your services to type peoples resume’s and cover letters. Or maybe your a good sewer, offer to hem or fix someone’s interview outfit. Maybe you have a day care center, offer free day care for people going on interviews. We all have something to offer, even if its a listening ear, God gave us all gifts, and it is in times like these that we should share our gifts with others.

By the way, if you are interested in having me speak for your group please feel free to contact me at paul@staticplace.com , i would be happy to discuses the possibility with you.

 

Paul

Read Full Post »

John Wooden, one of the greatest coaches to ever coach the game of basketball, was reported to have consistently encouraged his players to “Never let what you can’t do get in the way of what you can do.”

How true that is, we often times talk ourselves out of doing great things because we focus on the things we can’t do. We tend to look at the negative in ourselves. I know from past experiences I have done the same, I have looked to my weakness and failed myself in doing so.

Today it is a different story for me, I now look to my strengths my goals and dreams, I lay my “can not do’s” aside and focus on my “can do’s”. I still faultier and some may say fail (I  personally do not look upon them as failures) but I do not allow that to sway me, I keep on keeping on, borrowing from the 70’s.

So what made the change in me, why do I now look to what I can do and ignore what I can not do? It’s simple, I got tired of failing myself, I got sick of always not trying, of never not knowing if I can do it. But mostly I hated the feeling inside, the feeling of being a failure, of not being good enough of always being second or third or maybe even last best. I needed to change, to move on to grow up to see life in a new way, but mostly I needed to see myself in the true light, not in the light that I shinned upon myself.

My high school years were years filled with second guessing and self doubt. I lived a life of dreaming of being not myself, the life of others was always a better life than mine. I felt no value with what I can do because I only saw what I could not do. I strived to fail, and failed I did.

Post high school I started to see the world and myself through a new light, in truth I can not state what one thing started me on this road of self discovery, but it was a slow road, one that from time to time I still must walk. Unlearning the skill of self doubt is a skill with in it self, so I needed to unlearn and learn new skills all at the same time, what a heavy weight for a young man to carry. But carry it I did, stumbling along the way, and skinning a few knees as I went.

Nothing worth achieving should com easy, i truly believe this now, no so much back then, but now, yah, I truly believe that we must suffer to achieve greatness with in our selves. And suffer I did and suffer I do. But now I look upon that suffering in a new light, a light of truth and light that I choose to shine upon it.

The light of truth is the light that makes me examine myself, to see where I have caused the issue and suffering, the light that forces me to take responsibility for my actions. It is a bright and blinding light at times, a light of extreme heat. But I choose to face it, to allow it to blind me and burn me, if it will, in the end, forge a new me.

But the light of truth has no power unless I shine it upon myself, not others. It is the self incrimination of that light that gives it it’s power. The power of self over self is awesome, its a power of overwhelming consequences, yet it is one that we must unleash, it is a power we must learn to us if we ever wish to become more.

I am still walking that road, I am still stumbling and scraping my knees, and yes I still shine that light upon myself, but now I do not see the sad self of before, one who could not and would not do anything great, but now I see someone who has and will continue to do great things. They may be small small greatness’, and to some not even that great. But to me they are life changing and world enhancing greatness’. And I know that when I shine the light upon myself, I know that I will see someone who has strived for greatness, not allowing the “Can not’s” to interfere with the “Can”.

Paul

Read Full Post »

How often do we participate in a conversation, but in truth we are only really waiting for our chance to speak? I know I do this, especially when it is a heated debate, I want so badly to speak my mind. I have been working on not doing that to much, but its like a favorite candy bar, you walk by it and have to have it. I just can’t always control myself, i just have to have that candy, i just have to get my argument out, its all the same thing to me.

We know, just from our own experience that when people listen to what we have to say and we listen to them, the debate or argument or just plan conversation goes better. There is a natural pace and flow to it. Now to listen does not mean agree with, but to just listen and take it in, allowing it time to settle in your mind and to form a thought.

Listening is a skill we all need to improve at, we all need to be reminded every now and than to just shut the mouth and open the ears. To listen to the sounds of everydayness and to the voice of reason. Listening is not just a skill for conversations with others, but it is also a skill for conversations with nature and self. The quit time we spend just sipping our coffee in the early mornings, or out on the front porch with a cup of tea at dusk.

The skill of listening to the silence is difficult, but not unattainable. Simon & Garfunkel stated it best in there song, The Sounds of Silence:

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

The seeds that are planted when we listen to the silence of self and nature can grow in to the changes we dream of, the new creation of self, only if we can learn to listen to the silence of self.

The task is daunting the reward is great. The other day I posted about self time, and in the past i have written about this topic and I will come back to it often. It is a skill that seems to be lost in a modern world where silence is looked at as unproductive or a waste of valuable time.

In days gone by silent time was treasured and looked upon as a treasure for only the well off. In today’s world we look at silence as a sign of laziness and a sign of the less fortunate.

Look at any great leader of the spiritual ways, Jesus, Buda and Krishna all call for and practiced moments of silence. As a Catholic we have moments in our celebration of of Mass that incorporate silence (or it should be, but not all Churches recognize this) we have seasons that calls us to prolonged silence and intense soul searching. The Church sees the importance of listening to the silence.

Listing to the silence of the soul allows you the intimacy of self, the oneness of time and growth and the universality of joining in the the silence of the ages. Silence offers a sort of magic that transcends time and space, giving us the freedom to listen to the voices of the past or future with the present always there.

I am not saying that through silence we can communicate with the dead or travel through time and space, but I am saying that through silence we free our mind to imagine the possibilities of our many tomorrows by  listening to the echo’s of yesterdays.

I have fixed many a problem through the quietness of listening to the silence, allowing my mind to freely flow over the waves of nothingness. Creating a openness that allowed the sounds of reason enter into my soul planting the seeds of forgiveness or love, plucking the hatred out by its roots and allowing the waters of creation to feed me.

So today, sit and have a conversation with the silence, open your ears and listen to the nothingness of the universe and hear the voice of God speaking.

Paul

Read Full Post »

Time for your self is important, each of us need to set aside a little time each day for ourselves. Now I can hear some people already says, sure maybe you have time to set aside, but me, I’m so busy that I barley have time to sleep, with work and the kids and this event and that even….

and so it goes….

Well I say bull crap to that!

No one, and I mean no one is that busy that they can not find 5, 10 or 15 minutes each day for themselves, I am sure President Obama does, and you can not tell me you have more stuff on your plate than the leader of the free world does.

I am sure he has time for his wife and kids and for himself. If he can find the time, so can we. It’s called time management, and its a skill we all need to learn. And it is one we can discipline ourselves in, if we truly try.

As proof to my point, the young man that lives with me, my nephew, he use to spend all his time after school doing nothing but homework. He would come home, sit down and start on his homework, stop for dinner than study until 10 or 11 at night, and sometimes wake up a 5am to study more. He did ok in his classes, but nothing great. I was on him for over a year to stop this madness and go out with friends, hang out and play a little , to take time for his mind to rest and time for himself.

This past semester I forced him to do so, I refused to allow him to come home a study, he had to go and do something else with his friends and than after dinner do his homework. He got his best report card to date! He has learned a lesson for life, that time for himself is invaluable. His comment to me after getting his report card was, “I guess to much studying is not to smart”.

No truer statement can be made, and you can replace the wordy studying with any other word you like:

  • I guess to much overtime is not to smart
  • I guess to much helping others is not to smart
  • I guess to much volunteering is not to smart
  • I guess to much ________ is not to smart

We all can find the time, it’s not a matter of needing more hours in the day, its a matter of using the hours we got smartly. If my 17 year old nephew can figure it our, we should be able to also.

Sit down and write out your typical day, hour by hour, see where your time is going, and discover how you can re order your day or remove from your day to gain 10, 15 or 20 minuets to give to yourself.

Paul

Read Full Post »