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This is take from an online article in Time magazine…..

 

Time.com

  • By EBEN HARRELL Eben Harrell 29 mins ago

A professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Robert Feldman has spent most of his career studying the role deception plays in human relationships. His most recent book, The Liar in Your Life: How Lies Work and What They Tell Us About Ourselves, lays out in stark terms just how prevalent lying has become. He talked to TIME about why we all need a dose of honesty.

What are the main findings of your research?
Not only do we lie frequently, but we lie without even thinking about it. People lie while they are getting acquainted at an average of three times in a 10-minute period. Participants in my studies actually are not aware that they are lying that much until they watch videos of their interactions.

One of the reasons people get away with so much lying, your research suggests, is that we are all essentially dupes. Why do we believe so many lies?
This is what I call the liar’s advantage. We are not very good at detecting deception in other people. When we are trying to detect honesty, we look at the wrong kinds of nonverbal behaviors and we misinterpret them. The problem is that there is no direct correlation between someone’s nonverbal behavior and their honesty. "Shiftiness" could also be the result of being nervous, angry, distracted or sad. Even trained interrogators [aren’t] able to detect deception at [high] rates. You might as well flip a coin to determine if someone is being honest.

What’s more, a lot of the time we don’t want to detect lies in other people. We are unwilling to put forward the cognitive effort to suspect the veracity of statements, and we aren’t motivated to question people when they tell us things we want to hear. When we ask someone, "How are you doing?" and they say "fine," we really don’t want to know what their aches and pains are. So we take "fine" at face value. (Read a TIME story on ground rules for telling lies)

Do you feel deception is a particularly relevant topic to our society?
We are living in a time and culture in which it’s easier to lie than it has been in the past. The message that pervades society is that it’s okay to lie; you can get away with it. One of the things I found in my research is that when you confront people with their lies they very rarely display remorse. Lying is not seen as being morally reprehensible in any strong way.

You can make the assumption that because it often makes social interactions go more smoothly, lying is okay. But there is a cost to even seemingly benign lies. If people are always telling you that you look terrific and you did a great job on that presentation, there’s no way to have an accurate understanding of yourself. Lies put a smudge on an interaction, and if it’s easy to lie to people in minor ways it becomes easier to lie in bigger ways.

You say in the book that recent DNA evidence suggests that 10% of people have fathers other than the men they believe conceived them. So is lying pretty widespread in our intimate lives, too?
Research shows we lie less to people that we are close to. But when we do, they tend to be the bigger types of lies. And the fallout is greater if the deception is discovered.

You show how lying is a social skill. Does that mean it’s part of an evolutionary legacy?
I don’t think lying is genetically programmed. We learn to lie. We teach our kids to be effective liars by modeling deceitful behavior.

In your book you offer a way to cut back on lies. What’s the "AHA! Remedy?"
AHA! stands for active honesty assessment. We need to be aware of the possibility that people are lying to us, and we need to demand honesty in other people. Otherwise we will get a canned affirmation. At the same time, we have to demand honesty of ourselves. We have to be the kind of people who don’t tell white lies. We don’t have to be cruel and totally blunt, but we have to convey information honestly. The paradox here is that if you are 100% honest and blunt, you will not be a popular person. Honesty is the best policy. But it’s not a perfect policy.

(more…)

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Last night I went to a concert, I saw Colin Hay, the lead singer from Men at Work, an 80’s mega group. One of my favorites from the 80’s. I have followed his career from the band to his current solo work. Great stuff, but that not the point, the point is what he had to say, with his songs and with out.

Mr. Hay uses words and music to relay his message, his dreams and nightmares are played out for us in songs we tap our feet to and sing along with. But what really impressed me was what was not sung, what Mr. Hay did not say with words or music.

For all who don’t know, Men at work shot in to stardom with there big début album “Cargo” with the smash hits “Land Down Under” “Who can it be now” and “Over Kill” the follow up album did ok and there last did nothing.  they went from the top to the bottom in a matter of 3 years.

Mr. Hay, a talented singer and song writer went on to  record 2 solo albums than was dropped from the major labels leaving him to ask himself “what now”. As he tells the story, we decided he needed something to do after he drank his morning coffee, so he decided to play in small clubs and record his own music. The result was a man willing to accept what he was compared to what he use to be.

Over the years I have worked with ex-rock stars, and the reason they remain part of the past is because they remain in the past, they refuse to let it go and to embrace the present. My. Hay decided differently, he understood that men at work was a part of his life, but now it’s Colin Hay with out the band. He let go the part to embrace the now.

Mr. Hay may have let go of the past, but he has not forgotten it, his songs often times are reminders of what use to be, looking at the past with new eyes. Sure there is regret and sadness in some of the past, but there is also joy and happiness. But the same is true for the now, we experience sadness and joy all in a matter of a few moments.

Now I do not know Mr. Hay beyond his music and from what I saw last night on stage, but from what I can tell, Mr. Hay has not only accepted his life, he has embraced it. Sure he wish for the success that once was, he is looking for the fame that use to be, but he is also enjoying the moment that is.

We all can learn a lot from this ex-rock star, and enjoy the music that the lesson is at the same time. As Mr. Hay himself states, “My My My what a beautiful world”. I would have to agree!

Paul

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5 letters that can destroy a dream, one simple word that can wash away all your hopes, we say it all the time. We use it to brush people off, our kids our spouse work mates whom ever, it’s easy to say, and very effective.

The English language has offered us a word that will allow us to get out, postpone and even neglect our responsibilities. This word can shatter lives and create havoc and uncertainty in our loved ones. This word has power over others; it states nothing but everything all at the same time. And we use it to our advantage; we allow the word to carry away unwanted interruptions and inconveniences.

Can there be such a powerful word? Can one word really say all that? Can 5 simple letters truly shatter dreams and wash away hopes? Is there truly one word that can do all that?

We allow ourselves to be taken in by the words we use, we allow our hopes and dreams to ride on the wave of our words, and one word can, and often times, does wash away our dreams and dashes our hopes.

One work can have that much power. One word DOES…

Have you thought of the word yet? Maybe you need a little more time…. But maybe you don’t, maybe you already thought of it and maybe you’re just scared to say so, because maybe you got it wrong. But maybe you didn’t, maybe you got it right… You just never know, maybe you’re better off not even trying to figure it out.

Got it yet?

We use the word maybe to push aside tasks we don’t want to do, “Maybe I’ll clean the garage next weekend”

We use it do ignore our kids “Maybe I will play ball with you in a little bit”

To hold ourselves back “Maybe I’ll write the book some other time”

To keep God at a distance “Maybe I’ll start praying tomorrow night”

To pacify our spouses “Maybe we will go…”

Maybe this or maybe that, maybe now maybe never….

Maybe, 5 letters that can shatter dreams, what a powerful word…

Starting today take the word maybe out of your vocabulary, remove it, and never use it again, and just maybe you’ll see a change in yourself and others around you. (By the way, I used the word maybe there on purpose, as a joke, it should read, and you will see a change in your life)

Paul

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How to live a positive life:

The first place to begin is with journaling. Buy a 99 cent notebook and start journaling about what was great the day before. Write one or two wonderful things from yesterday – even if it is that you walked your dog! It must be something that made you feel good and the bigger your sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, the better. Do this daily starting today

The idea behind this is to make you aware of the positive aspects of the previous day, and to start your day off on a positive note. It is important that you do this in the morning, before you start your day. positive Wake up 5 minutes earlier, sit in a quiet place, have a nice cup of coffee or tea and write down all the positive things that has happened to you the day before.

You can make list, or just free form write, it can be in a poem or story, whatever way it works best for you. The key to the whole exercise is to write down positive events from the previous day.

We all too often look to the negative in life, and in the current economic conditions, seeing positive is a hard thing to do. But if we truly look, we can find positive in almost every situation.

As an example, my sister was been out of work for the past 5 months, in the beginning she was able to see the positive in this, she is a single mother, and her daughter just had hip surgery and she needed to be home to take care of her, if she was still employed she would have to have taken unpaid leave of absence.  But being out of work, she got unemployment benefits. As time went on, the idea of no work started to wear on her, but she tried to keep an upbeat outlook, knowing something will happen, and knowing that I, her brother would help out anyway I could. But the stress finally took its toll, and her outlook really started to do down. I kept reminding her, much to her displeasure, that it will all be ok; to look at the positive side of what was happening.  She asked what positive is there, and so I would list a few that I saw:

1.       You always wanted to be a stay at home mom

2.       You can look in to going back to school to learn a skill you want to do

3.       You do not have to worried about or stress about whether you will have a job tomorrow,

4.       You’re out of an industry that is changing and down sizing.

The list can go on, but you get the idea, look for the positive, and find it somewhere. Sure my sister also gave me a list of negatives, and yes they are valid, but my response to her was always the same, what good does it do to dwell on the negative. Yes, you have to face them, but would it not be easier to face them with a positive outlook?

Our outlook on life plays a large part in how we live our life, so if we start to teach ourselves to look for the positive, then we will start to see it in all kinds of places. Mother Theresa could not have done what she did, if she was not able to see the positive in her daily work. She saw Christ in all she met, that is a very positive outlook.

A positive outlook is considered one of the most important aspects of healing. The health care industry has spent millions of dollars on research to study the effects of a positive outlook, and has found that a positive outlook is one of the most important aspects of a speedy recovery. Employers have found the same results for keeping employees and hiring new ones. Not only is the outlook of the individual important, but also the corporate outlook.

We also see this playing a role in our spiritual life, we all too often look at the negative aspect of our spiritual journey, and downplay the positive. If we truly look at our life situation, I think we will see that the positive outweighs the negative; the key is to look for it, and not to allow the negative to control out outlook.

So pick up that journal today, and tomorrow morning, first thing, write down at least 3 positive things from the day before, and allow the positive energy to guide your day.

Paul

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time travel by one sick boy.

Life can seem somewhat hectic at times. It seems that life can out run you, even when you think it’s all under control. I call that “Life Happening” not a new concept, I am sure most of you say that all the time “Life Happens”. It’s our way of saying that things come up, deal with it, move on and start another adventure.

Well life just happened again, I am off on a trip for two weeks for work, Koln Germany and Pone India. It should be an adventure, but truly the timing is bad. Seems to always work out that way, but as I say “Life Happens!”

It’s how we choose to deal with it all. Not only is the timing bad for this trip, the planning of it was a mess. I truly didn’t know when my flight was to leave until 11am New Years eve. Talk about waiting until the last minute! I had plans to make and people to inform and things to do. But “Life Happens” and I dealt with it the best I could.

“Life Happens” is a life lesson we keep learning over and over again. Once we think we have life where we want it, BAM “Life Happens” all over again. Now I could let this upset my life, I could turn it in to a major crisis, or I could just deal with it. I choose the latter of the two, I chose to just deal with it. I understand that really it’s no one’s fault that it took so long to get all the details worked out; I mean it was the Holiday season and all. People have time off, and things shut down. I understand the need for my company to look for the lowest fare possible, but man that can really make things difficult when dealing with another country. What they see as the lowest fair may not be what our travel agent sees. But such is life.

Today I leave for 2 weeks of “Life Happening”, in truth I am not sure what to expect when I arrive in Koln, I have a basic idea, but as always “Life Happens” and the best laid plans change. As for India, with all the news stories about violence, I am not too sure what to expect, but that’s life.  I will make the best of it all and do what I need to do to return home safe and sound. As long as “Life Don’t Happen” … But I know it will, it always does.

Paul

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Rest

Life needs to slow down, we all need to learn to walk a little bit slower, stop and take the time to see what is truly there, stop to smell the world, and to take in all we can.

This life of ours is short, time here on earth is limited, yet we seem to feel that we must rush and do all we can before we pass on. How silly of us all. Sure we may “experience” more things but truly did we? By packing in 10 things in one day, did we truly enjoy anything?  

To slow down and do only 3 or 4 of the 10 things, we will have time to enjoy, to process and take it all in. What’s the rush? Does it really matter if you fail to do one thing on your to do list, will your life be any less? I think not, I thing we trick ourselves in to thinking we need to remain in motion, but what is wrong with a little rest?

Use this holiday season to slow down, to rest, to regroup. Take time to enjoy the good cheer of other and learn to relax in a world that is going full tilt.

Paul

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I found this article, and thought I would share it with you… I hope you like it!

Paul 

10 Easy Ways to Be a Better Person
By R J Licata

 

R J Licata

RJ Licata is a young professional who enjoys furthering his knowledge base as often as possible. Recently his interest in personal development, and reaching one’s … …

 
 

Sometimes we get caught up in the grind of living and overlook some of the basics regarding personal conduct. Certain behaviors or habits can go a long way in how we portray ourselves to others and have a direct effect on the quality of our lives and that of those around us. While we all know (or knew at one time) the difference between right and wrong, and manners and rudeness, I think now is as good a time as any to name off ten easy ways to be a better person.

Hopefully, this list will reiterate some of the simple things that we can do to make the world a more pleasant place. Sometimes we all can use a little reminder.

1. Say please and thank you.

Simple, yet so often overlooked. When you want something, you say please. When someone does something nice for you, you say thank you. These phrases should be programmed in your mind, as automatic response mechanisms; you should never have to think to say them.

Maybe because I always try to say please and thank you I am more sensitive to this than some, but whenever I come across a person who blatantly doesn’t, it’s extremely obvious to me. This may sound like a minor thing, but by letting people know you appreciate what they do for you, they are more likely to do it in the future. It’s humorous to think that someone who is so selfish that they fail to express gratitude would miss out on an opportunity to secure services for themselves down the road. But now that I bring it up, I bet you’ll notice this happening quite often.

2. Be courteous.

This can be applied in a number of different ways. Most generally it means to see things from another’s perspective and if there is something you can do to make their situation easier, then do it. Even if it requires you to go a little bit out of your way. Kind deeds done in the name of personal sacrifice have a tendency to repay themselves many times over. It may not happen right away, but there is something to be said for maintaining positive karma.

Try to keep aware of what’s going on around you, even when you are most preoccupied. No matter how busy you are, there is no excuse for not holding the door open for someone who has both hands full, or helping to pick up the stack of papers that was just dropped in front of you. You’re right, it isn’t your problem that they’re clumsy, but it is your opportunity to do something nice for someone else. And if you want to be considered a decent person, it’s an opportunity you shouldn’t pass up.

3. Follow the Golden Rule.

Most religions have some form of this phrase in their scripture. In case you’ve never heard of the Golden Rule before it goes something like this:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

The exact wording varies depending on which religion you’re asking, but the concept is consistent. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. The beautiful part of the Golden Rule is how straight forward it is. Think about how great things would be if everyone followed it. There would be no crime, no war, and no murder. Now we can’t control the actions of everyone else, but we can control how we behave.

Unfortunately, in the cutthroat society that we live in, more and more people are having a difficult time following the Golden Rule. It is almost considered necessary to shortchange others to get the things you want, which is far from the truth. You’ll be much better off working together with others rather than knocking them down. I encourage you to resist the temptation to step on others so that you can inch yourself ahead.

4. Work with others.

Speaking of working with others, just the other day I was driving on the highway and noticed something very pleasing. There were quite a few cars on the road and I was coming up to a merging area where the road bends and intersects with another highway. It could have been either very dangerous or very time consuming to navigate through the cars. Instead, it seemed as though all 7-10 cars involved understood that the best way for them to make their way through the junction was to cooperate with the other drivers. People slowed or sped up, changed lanes or stayed put, all in an attempt to make things easier for the other cars on the road. What happened as a result was a very smooth merger with absolute minimal time wasted. Had a driver here or there possessed a “me-first” attitude he or she may have snuck in a car or two ahead, but ultimately it could have taken more time to do so. Because everyone was on the same page and worked together, the entire group benefited.

This example of cooperation and teamwork is applicable in all areas of life. It has been proven time and time again the the whole is most definitely greater than the sum of all its parts. Twenty people working together can achieve more than that of twenty individuals. However, all too often people assume that what’s immediately best for them is ultimately best for them. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case. Sometimes the best move is one step backward in order to take two steps forward. I urge you to obtain the help of others whenever possible and to offer yours as well. The potential of those who work in unison is limitless.

5. Smile

Never underestimate the power of a smile. The effect is two-fold. It tends to lift the spirits of both the smiler and the “smilee”. If you don’t believe me, try this experiment. For an entire day before you say a word to anyone, smile first. If you’re walking past them, smile wide and say hello. Notice their reaction. A great majority will smile back and those that don’t are either preoccupied or generally unfriendly. But that’s okay. Smile anyway. Those that aren’t preoccupied or unfriendly will feel uplifted, even if they don’t realize it. And when they smile back at you, you will also feel good. It’s difficult to measure the benefits of such actions, however, there are certainly positives that arise. One or more of a variety of things tend to happen. The person whom you smile at might:

Smile at the next person they see also, beginning a chain reaction (think Pay It Forward).
Be more internally motivated and inspired to go about their day. Shift from a depressed, angry, or hopeless mood to one of satisfaction, joy, and calm.
be more willing to help you with anything that you may need. There are dozens of other things that a smile can bring to someone’s day. And the best part about it? They don’t cost a thing. I’m not sure that it’s true but somewhere I read that it requires less facial muscles to smile than it does to frown. Whether it’s true or not, I choose to believe it. Because I like the thought of it. More effort is required to be rude to someone than to be polite. So laziness is not an excuse. Simply find something to be happy about and smile.

6. Say I’m Sorry.

This is one of the first lessons we learn in life, yet some of us quickly forget it as we get older. The principle is very simple. If you wrong someone, or if you make a mistake, or if you hurt another person (intentionally or unintentionally), apologize for it. Say you’re sorry and do your best to remedy the situation. Sometimes, even if you didn’t do anything wrong the right thing to do is to apologize. By accepting the responsibility you speed up the correction process. Now that we know who’s fault it is, we can move ahead with a plan to fix it. This takes some courage, especially if you’re apologizing for something you aren’t responsible for, but in the end, you’ll come out the better person.

I don’t know about you, but I am much quicker to forgive someone who has done me wrong if they show genuine sorrow or regret for what they’ve done. Not only that, but if they apologize and then attach an explanation I will most certainly hear them out. If they tried to defend themselves first, my anger and frustration would probably cloud up my thoughts and they would have a difficult time stating their case.

Ultimately, one fact prevails: it takes a brave and secure person to accept responsibility and express sorrow for their mistakes. But the truth is, the reward is far worth the risk. Those who apologize are respected and thought of as genuine, caring individuals, who despite their actions, do not always think only of themselves.

7. Be Honest.

Tell the truth, even when it isn’t in your best interest to do so. There is alot to be said for the person who can admit they’re wrong (see above) and come clean with their mistake. It should also be noted that telling a lie is a temporary fix it. The problem or issue is still there, under the blanket of the lie, and it will stay there until properly disposed of. Granted, it may stay there indefinitely, but it is never put to rest until it’s approached face to face. The more you avoid the truth, the longer it takes to get ahead.

Honesty is a reflection of one’s self-dignity or self-respect. Don’t risk either of those on a failure to be honest, especially at the expense of a lie regarding a trivial matter. Remember, most things that seem extremely important at the time aren’t nearly as big a deal a few weeks or months later. Value your reputation and protect it.

8. Listen.

Although it is typically our first instinct to talk first, listening can actually be an advantage. Let’s say you’re negotiating on buying a new car. The most important thing the salesman will want to know is how much you’re planning to spend. Then it’s his job to find you a guy for slightly more than that. The more you talk the more likely he is to extract that information from you. And from there his training is specifically aimed at getting as much money from you as possible. However, if you’re able to turn the tables slightly and let him do most of the talking, you may be able to get a better idea of what they’ll be willing to let the car go for. Then you’ll be able to direct the sale more towards what you’re hoping to pay.

Another benefit of listening first is the amount that can be learned. If you spend most of the time talking then you won’t learn anything, because it’s assumed that you already know the things you’re talking about. But if you can position yourself in a situation where you’re able to listen to a knowledgeable person, the sky is the limit on what you can learn. The next time you find yourself in this position, take note of which situation offers you most. Sometimes having the self control to quiet down is your most advantageous move.

9. Be Complimentary.

Have you ever received an unexpected compliment that just brightens your day? It felt pretty good didn’t it? If you’re like most people you enjoy receiving compliments. Even the smallest most simple comments fill the recipient with joy. So knowing that, why would we ever be stingy with compliments? Pay them generously, but not so frequently that they lose their effect. People will enjoy your company because they know that you won’t miss an opportunity express your admiration.

There are really only two reasons why someone would refuse to compliment another. The first is lack of consideration. They simply don’t think to tell you they like what you’ve done. This is probably the most common reason, and this article will hopefully fix some of that. The second reason is less frequent, though most disturbing. Jealousy. People are hesitant to compliment others when they feel a sense of insecurity about themselves. They feel as though bringing another’s accomplishments to light will magnify their own failure to produce similar accomplishments. A sense of self-confidence and security in their own abilities will increase the likelihood that they will compliment others.

We develop an appreciation and for those who compliment us because they boost our confidence and make us feel good. And since there is no cost for compliments there is no excuse for not handing them out.

10. Laugh.

Make it a point to have a good laugh at least once a day, preferably in the morning. Laughing releases endorphins that make you feel good and relaxed. Creating this mood as early in your day as possible increases your mood and as a result your productivity. It’s very easy to do, yet the benefits are extraordinary. Let’s face it, laughing is fun. And I don’t know about you, but I can’t recall a time when I’ve laughed and gone into a bad mood immediately after. It’s therapeutic. And contagious. So while you’re finding ways to make yourself laugh, you could also be encouraging laughter from others.

It shouldn’t be very hard to find something to make you laugh, but if you’re having trouble, look up some jokes on the internet or put on your favorite funny movie. However you create the mood, don’t underestimate the value in laughter.

Conclusion

I hope that this list of ways to become a better person is of use to you. They are simple and even generic concepts and ideas, I know, but in my opinion that is what makes them easy to implement. And the sad truth is that many of them are forgotten or ignored by a majority of us. So although we all should be aware of the ideas on this list, putting them into practice is where we’re sometimes lacking. Reading this article is your first step towards implementing them.

RJ’s Blog – http://www.rjlicata.com For more articles like this one, check out RJ’s personal development blog!

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